Humor

Humor-General

Joke on Billy Graham

Billy Graham was returning
to Charlotte after a speaking engagement and when his Plane arrived there was a limousine there to transport him to his home.

As he prepared to get into the limo, he stopped
and spoke to the driver.

‘You know’ he said, ‘I am 87 years old and I have never
driven a limousine. Would you mind if I drove it for a while?’
The driver said, ‘No problem. Have at it.’

Billy gets into the driver’s seat and they head off
down the highway.

A short distance away
sat a rookie State Trooper operating his first speed trap.

The long black limo went by him doing 70 in a 55 mph zone.  The trooper pulled out
and easily caught the limo and he got out of his patrol car to begin the procedure.

The young trooper walked up to the driver’s door and when the glass  was rolled down,
he was surprised to see who was driving.   He immediately excused himself and went back to his car and called his supervisor.

He told the supervisor,  ‘I know we are supposed to enforce the law…..But I also know that
important people are given certain courtesies.   I need to know what I should do because
I have stopped a  very important person.’  The supervisor asked,  ‘Is it the governor?’
The young trooper said,  ‘No, he’s more important than that.’   The supervisor said, ‘Oh, so it’s the president.’  The young trooper said, ‘No, he’s even more  important than that.’

The supervisor finally asked, ‘Well then, who is it?’  The young trooper said, ‘I think it’s Jesus,
because he’s got Billy Graham for a chauffeur!

Husband at Wal-Mart

This is why women should not take men shopping against their will.

After Mr. and Mrs. Fenton retired, Mrs. Fenton insisted her husband accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart.

Unfortunately, Mr. Fenton was like most men–he found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunately, Mrs. Fenton was like most women–she loved to browse.

One day Mrs. Fenton received the following letter from her local Wal-Mart:

Dear Mrs. Fenton,

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may be forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Fenton are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of Polident and randomly put them in people’s carts when they weren’t looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, “Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away.”

4. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M’s on layaway.

5. September 14: Moved a “CAUTION – WET FLOOR” sign to a carpeted area.

6. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he’d invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.

7. September 23: When a clerk asked if she could help him, he began crying and screamed, “Why can’t you people just leave me alone?”

8. October 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

9. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

10. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the “Mission Impossible” theme.

11. December 6: In the auto department, he practiced his “Madonna look” by using different sizes of funnels.

12. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled “PICK ME! PICK ME!”

And last, but not least:

13. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed, “OH NO!

IT’S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!”

Regards,

Wal-Mart

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

BROKEN LAWN MOWER AS TOLD BY A HUSBAND

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn’t run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck, the car, playing golf — always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.

I said, “When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.”

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

Moral to this story: Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is the husband.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Is there Baseball in Heaven?

Two 90 year old men, Moe and Joe, have been friends
all of their lives.

When it’s clear that Joe is dying, Moe visits him every
day. One day Moe says, “Joe, we both loved baseball
all our lives, and we played minor league ball together
for so many years. Please do me one favor, when you
get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if
there’s baseball up there.”

Joe looks up at Moe from his death bed,” Moe, you’ve been
my best friend for many years. If it’s at all possible, I’ll do this
favor for you.

Shortly after that, Joe passes on.

At midnight a couple of nights later, Moe is awakened from a
sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice
calling out to him, ” Moe — Moe.”

“Who is it?, asks Moe sitting up suddenly. “Who is it?”

“Moe–it’s me, Joe.”

“You’re not Joe. Joe just died.”

“I’m telling you, it’s me, Joe,” insists the voice.

“Joe! Where are you?”

“In heaven”, replies Joe. “I have some really good news
and a little bad news.”

“Tell me the good news first,” says Moe.

“The good news,” Joe says,” is that there’s baseball in heaven.
Better yet, all of our old buddies who died before us are here,
too. Better than that, we’re all young again. Better still, it’s
always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of
all, we can play baseball all we want, and we never get tired.”

“That’s fantastic,” says Moe. “It’s beyond my wildest dreams!

So what could possibly be the bad news?”

“You’re pitching Tuesday.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Subject: getting older

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor’s permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

— Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: “And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?” the reporter asked. She simply replied, “No peer pressure.”

— The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.

— Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, “How old was your husband?” “98,” she replied. “Two years older than me.” “So you’re 96,” the undertaker commented. She responded, “Hardly worth going home, is it?

— I’ve sure gotten old.! I’ve had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I’m half blind, can’t hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can’t remember if I’m 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver’s license!!

— An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. “Wal-Mart?” the preacher exclaimed. “Why Wal-Mart?” “Then I’ll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week.”

—My memory’s not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory’s not as sharp as it used to be.

— Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

—I’m getting into swing dancing. Not on purpose. Some parts of my body are just prone to swinging.

—It’s scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.

—These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, “For fast relief.”

—Don’t think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of it as your inner child playing with matches.

—Don’t let aging get you down. It’s too hard to get back up.!

— Remember: You don’t stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old because you stop laughing.

– –THE SENILITY PRAYER : Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range. “Look !” she said. I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. “And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me.”

For her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.

Services are pending.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hymns For Us in The Over “50” Crowd

1. ” Just A ‘Slower’ Walk With Thee”

2. “It Is Well With My Soul”, But My Knees Hurt

3. “Nobody Knows The Trouble I ‘Have’ Seeing”

4. “Precious Lord, Take My Hand”, And Help Me Up

5. “Count Your Many ‘Birthdays’, Count Them One By One”

6. “Go Tell It On A Mountain”, But Speak Up

7. “Give Me The Old ‘Timers’ Religion”

8. “Blessed ‘Insurance'”

9. “Guide Me O Thou Great Lord God”, I’ve Forgotten Where I’ve Parked The Truck

GOD BLESS US ALL YOUNG AND OLD

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Grandmother was well-known for her faith and lack of reticence in talking about it. She would go out on the front porch and say, “Praise the Lord!”

Her next door neighbor would shout back, “There ain’t no Lord!”

During those days, Grandmother was very poor, so the neighbor decided to prove his point by buying a large bag of groceries and placing it at her door.

The next morning, Grandmother went to the porch and, seeing the groceries, said, “Praise the Lord!”

The neighbor stepped out from behind a tree and said, “I brought those groceries, and there ain’t no Lord.”

Grandmother replied, “Lord, you not only sent me food but you made the devil pay for it.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Words Women use:

FINE
This is the word women use to end an argument when
they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use “fine” to
describe how a woman looks this will cause you to have one of those
arguments.

FIVE MINUTES
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it’s an even trade.

NOTHING
This means “something,” and you should be on your toes. “Nothing” is used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards.

‘Nothing” usually signifies an argument that will last “Five Minutes”
and end with ‘Fine’

GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows)
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman
getting upset over “Nothing” and will end with the word “Fine”

GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows)
This means “I give up” or “do what you want because I
don’t care”.

You will get a “Raised Eyebrow ‘Go Ahead’ ” in just a few minutes,
followed by “Nothing” and “Fine” and she will talk to you in about “Five
Minutes” when she cools off.

LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a nonverbal
statement often misunderstood by men.

A “Loud Sigh” means she thinks you are an
idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing
here and arguing with you over “Nothing.”

SOFT SIGH
Again, not a word, but a nonverbal statement. A “Soft
Sigh” means that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or
breathe, and she will stay content.

THAT’S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a
woman can make to a man.
“That’s Okay” means that she wants to think long and hard before paying
you back for whatever it is that you have done.
“That’s Okay” is often used with the word “Fine” and in conjunction with
a “Raised Eyebrow, ‘Go Ahead’ “.
At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big
trouble.

PLEASE DO
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is
giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have
for doing whatever it is that you have done.
You have a fair chance with the truth, so be
careful and you shouldn’t get a “That’s Okay.”

THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say you’re welcome.

THANKS A LOT
This is much different from “Thanks.”
A woman will say, “Thanks A Lot” when she is really ticked off at you.
It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be
followed by the “Loud Sigh.”
Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the “Loud Sigh,” as she will
only tell you “Nothing.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if…

..the finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.

..people ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5,000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch ’em.

..when the pastor says, “I’d like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering,” five guys and two women stand up.

..opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.

..a member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because “It ain’t never been in a hole it couldn’t get out of.”

..the choir is known as the “OK Chorale.”

..in a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.

..Baptism is referred to as “branding.”

..high notes on the organ set the dogs on the floor to howling.

..people think “rapture” is what you get when you lift something too heavy.

..the baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized washtub.

..the choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy Bob’s Barbecue.

..the collection plates are really hub caps from a ’56 Chevy.

..instead of a bell, you are called to service by a duck call.

…the minister and his wife drive matching pickup trucks.

..the communion wine is Boone’s Farm “Tickled Pink.”

..the final words of the benediction are, “Y’all come back now!! Ya Hear?”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Subject: Catholic Dictionary

AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.

BULLETIN: Your receipt for attending Mass.

CHOIR: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the congregation to lip-sync.

HOLY WATER: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.

HYMN: A song of praise usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation’s range.

RECESSIONAL HYMN: The last song at Mass often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left.

INCENSE: Holy Smoke!

JESUITS: An order of priests known for their ability to find colleges with good basketball teams.

JONAH: The original “Jaws” story.

JUSTICE: When kids have kids of their own.

KYRIE ELEISON: The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize besides gyros and baklava

MAGI: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.

MANGER: Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn’t covered by an HMO. The Bible’s way of showing us that holiday travel has always been rough.

PEW: A medieval torture device still found in Catholic churches.

PROCESSION: The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass

consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats.

RECESSIONAL: The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.

RELICS: People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually know when to sit, kneel, and stand.

TEN COMMANDMENTS: The most important Top Ten list not given by David Letterman.

USHERS: The only people in the parish who don’t know the seating capacity of a pew.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Three men talking about their wives…

The first man had married a woman from Pennsylvania. He bragged that he told his wife to do all the dishes and clean the house. He said that it took her a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were washed and put away.

The second man had married a woman from Ohio. He bragged that he gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. He told the men that the first day he didn’t see any results, but by the next day it was better, and on the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married a Texas girl. He boasted that he told her he expected her to clean the house, wash the dishes, cook and fold the laundry. He said the first day he didn’t see anything and the second day he didn’t see anything, but by the third day some of the swelling had gone down so he could see a little out of his left eye.

Got to love the women from Texas

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Pope vs. Moishe

About a century or two ago, the Pope challenged the Jewish community of Rome to a debate. The Jews looked around for a champion who could defend their faith, but no one wanted to volunteer. It was too risky. So they finally picked an old man named Moishe who spent his life sweeping up after people to represent them. Being old and poor, he had less to lose, so he agreed. He asked only for one addition to the rules of debate. Not being used to saying very much, he asked that neither side be allowed to talk. The Pope agreed.

The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said, “I give up. This man is too good. The Jews win.”

An hour later, the Cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened. The Pope said, “First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger, to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him, that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground, showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?”

Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe, amazed that this old, almost feeble-minded man had done what all their scholars had insisted was impossible. “What happened?” they asked. “Well,” said Moishe, “first he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here.” “And then?” asked a woman. “I don’t know,” said Moishe. “He took out his lunch and I took out mine.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

TOP 7 SIGNS YOUR PASTOR NEEDS A VACATION

7. His first words to the congregation on Sunday morning are “alright,
listen up you heathens…”

6. He falls asleep during his own sermon.

5. He shows up for Sunday service wearing Bermuda Shorts and a Tank Top.

4. Every time his pager goes off, he shouts, “Why can’t they just leave me
alone?!”

3. Announces baptismal services will be at the Grand Canyon.

2. You go to his office for counseling and pour your heart out to him and
he says, “Sounds like a personal problem to me.”

AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOUR PASTOR NEEDS A VACATION

1. For the past two months he has preached the same sermon every Sunday.

*********************************************************

Will Rogers, who died in a plane crash with Wylie Post in 1935, was probably the greatest political sage this country has ever known. Enjoy the following:

1. Never slap a man who’s chewing tobacco.

2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.

3. There are 2 theories to arguing with a woman…neither works.

4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

5. Always drink upstream from the herd.

6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.

7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back in your pocket.

8. There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.

9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

10. If you’re riding’ ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it’s still there.

11. Lettin’ the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier’n puttin’ it back.

12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral:
When you’re full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
ABOUT GROWING OLDER…

First ~ Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

Second ~ The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

Third ~ Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know “why” I look this way. I’ve traveled a long way and some of the roads weren’t paved.

Fourth ~ When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

Fifth ~ You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

Sixth ~ I don’t know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.

Seventh ~ One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.

Eighth ~ One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.

Ninth ~ Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

Tenth ~ Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today it’s called golf.

And finally ~ If you don’t learn to laugh at trouble, you won’t have anything to laugh at when you are old.

********************************************************

SMILES FROM THE BIBLE
Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he married?
A. Ruthless.
Q. What do they call pastors in Germany?
A. German Shepherds.
Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.
Q. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A. Pharaoh’s daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.
Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury. David’s Triumph was heard throughout the land. Also, probably a Honda, because the apostles were all in one Accord.
Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A. Samson. He brought the house down.
Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden? A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.
Q. Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible? A. Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.
Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
A. The area around Jordan. The banks were always overflowing.
Q. Who is the greatest baby sitter mentioned in the Bible?
A. David. He rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep.
Q. Which Bible character had no parents?
A. Joshua, son of Nun.
Q. Why didn’t they play cards on the Ark?
A. Because Noah was standing on the deck. (Groannn…)
Q. Who does the Bible direct to make coffee, men or women?
A. There is a whole book about it: “He brews”

*******************************************************

Subject: Sharing
A little old couple walked slowly into McDonalds one cold winter. they looked out of place amid the young families and you couples eating there that night. Some of the customers looked admiringly at them. You could tell what the admirers where thinking. “Look, there is a couple who has been through a lot together, probably for 60 years or more!”
The little old man walked right up to the cash register, placed his order without hesitation and then paid for the meal. The couple took a table near the back wall and started taking food off the tray. There was one hamburger, one order of fries and one drink.
The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. Then he carefully counted out the French fries, divided them into two plies and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink; his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them.
As the man began to eat his few bites of hamburer the crowd began to get restless. Again you could tell what they were thinking. “That poor old couple. All they could afford is one meal for the two of them.”
As the man began to eat his French fries one young man stood and came over to the old couple’s table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple to eat. The old man replied that they were just fine. They were used to sharing everything.
Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady hadn’t eaten a bite. She just sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink. Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy them something to eat.
This time the lady explained that no, they were used to sharing everything together. As the little old man finished eatingand was wiping his face neatly with a napkin the young man could stand it no longer. Again they came over to their talbe and offered to buy some food. After being politely refused again he finally asked a question of the old lady.
“Ma’am, why aren’t you eating. You said that you shar everything. What is it that you are waiting for?
She answered…. The Teeth.
*****************************************************

Things to remember

When I die, I want to go like my grandmother, who died peacefully in her sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in her car.

A young man was sitting in class when the professor asked him if he knew what the Roe vs. Wade decision was. He sat quietly, pondering this profound question. Finally, after giving it a lot of thought, he sighed and said, “I think this was the decision George Washington made prior to crossing the Delaware.”

*A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day…30,000 to a man’s 15,000 words. The wife replied, “The reason has to be because a woman has to say every thing twice.” The husband then turned to his wife and asked, “What?”

* A man said to his wife one day, “I don’t know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.” The wife responded, “Allow me to explain it to you. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Some Great Truths About Life:

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.

2) Wrinkles don’t hurt.

3) Families are like fudge; mostly sweet, with a few nuts.

4) Today’s mighty oak is just yesterday’s nut that held its ground.

5) Laughing is good exercise. It’s like jogging on the inside.

6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the taste.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

1) You believe in Santa Claus.

2) You don’t believe in Santa Claus.

3) You are Santa Claus.

4) You look like Santa Claus.

* The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

* A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede his position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the wife asked sarcastically, “Relatives of yours?” “Yep,” the husband replied, “in-laws.”

***********************************************

The Same In My Business

A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend.

The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him in front of the service station. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump.

“Pastor,” said the young man, “I’m sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip.”

The minister chuckled, “I know what you mean. It’s the same in my business.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Farmer goes to church

One Sunday morning an old farmer entered a church just before services were to begin. Although the old man and his clothes were spotlessly clean, he wore jeans, a denim shirt and boots that were very worn and ragged. In his hand he carried a worn out old hat and an equally worn out Bible.

The church he entered was in a very upscale and modern. It was the largest and most beautiful church the old farmer had ever seen. The people of the congregation were all dressed with expensive clothes and accessories. As the farmer took a seat, the others moved away from him No one greeted, spoke to, or welcomed him. They were all appalled at his appearance and did not attempt to hide it.

The preacher gave a long sermon about Hellfire and brimstone and a stern lecture on how much money the church needed to do God’s work. As the old farmer was leaving the church, the preacher approached him and asked the farmer to do him a favor. “Before you come back in here again, have a talk with God and ask him what He thinks would be appropriate attire for worship here.”

The old farmer assured the preacher he would. The next Sunday, he showed back up for the services wearing the same ragged jeans, shirt, boots, and hat. Once again he was completely shunned and ignored.

The preacher approached the farmer and said, “I thought I asked you to speak to God before you came back to our church.”

“I did,” replied the old farmer.

“If you spoke to God, what did he tell you the proper attire should be for worshiping in here?” asked the preacher.

“Well, sir, God told me that He didn’t have a clue what I should wear. He says He’s never been in this church before.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A mother woke her son up on Sunday morning and told him he needed to get ready to go to church. The son replied to his mother that he didn’t want to go to church this morning. She told him nonsense he should get up and go to church.

“But mom” he replied, “Everybody hates me, the sermons are boring and none of my friends ever come.”

His mother replied, “Now, son…! First, everybody doesn’t hate you, only a couple of bullies and you just have to stand up to them. Second, the sermons mean a lot to many people. If you listened to them, you’d be surprised at how good they are in helping people. Third, you have lots of friends at church. They are always having you over to their house. And finally, you have to go, you’re the pastor!!”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
THEY DO HAVE A HOLIDAY

An atheist was quite incensed over the preparation for Easter and Passover holidays and decided to contact the local ACLU about the discrimination inflicted on atheists by the constant celebrations afforded to Christians and Jews with all their holidays while the atheists had no holidays for them to celebrate.

The ACLU jumped on the opportunity to once again pick up the cause of the downtrodden and assigned their sharpest attorney to the case.

The case was brought up before a learned judge who after listening to the passionate presentation by the ACLU representative, banged his gavel and said “Case dismissed!”

The ACLU lawyer stood up and objected to the ruling and said “Your honor, how can you dismiss this case? Surely the Christians have Christmas, Easter and many other observances. And the Jews, why in addition to Passover they have Yom Kippur and Hanukkah…..and yet my client and all other atheists have no such holiday!”

The judge leaned back in his chair and simply said “Obviously your client is too confused to know about or, for that matter, even celebrate the atheists holiday!”

The ACLU lawyer pompously said, “We are aware of no such holiday for atheists. Just when might that be?”

The judge said “Well it comes every year at the same time—April 1st.

“The fool hath said in his heart there is no God.” (Psalm 14:1)”

Now I know why we have April Fool’s Day!

And it will never be the same again…..GOD BLESS

Three ministers at a stewardship seminar were comparing how they apportioned the offering every week.

“I split it 50-50,” the first minister said. “I keep half, I give half to God.”

“I do it differently,” the second minister said. “I stand on the steps dividing the altar from the sanctuary and toss it. Whatever lands on the altar is God’s and what lands in the sanctuary is mine.”

The third minister chimed in. “I offer *everything* to God. I throw it into the air and shout, ‘Take whatever you want, Lord!'”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A pastor is visiting a farmer.

The pastor asks, “If you had a horse, would you give it to the Lord?”

The farmer replies, “Of course!”

The pastor continues, “If you had a cow, would you give it to the Lord?”

The farmer replies again, “Yes, of course!”

“If you had a pig, would you give it to the Lord?”

The farmer chides, “Now pastor, you know that’s not fair. You know I’ve *got* a pig!”

A Judge Ya Gotta Love . . .
In Florida, an atheist became incensed over the preparation for Easter and Passover holidays and decided to contact his lawyer about the discrimination inflicted on atheists by the constant celebrations afforded to Christians and Jews with all their holidays while the atheists had no holiday to celebrate.

The case was brought before a wise judge who after listening to the long, passionate presentation of his lawyer, promptly banged his gavel and declared, “Case dismissed!”

The lawyer immediately stood and objected to the ruling and said, “Your honor, how can you possibly dismiss this case? Surely the Christians have Christmas, Easter and many other observances. And the Jews–why in addition to Passover they have Yom Kippur and Hanukkah…and yet my client and all other atheists have no such holiday!”

The judge leaned forward in his chair and simply said “Obviously your client is too confused to know about or to celebrate the atheists’ holiday!”

The lawyer pompously said “We are aware of no such holiday for atheists, just when might that be, your honor?”

The judge said “Well it comes every year on exactly the same date—April 1st!”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Subject: New Virus

I thought you would want to know about this email virus. Even the most advanced programs from Norton or McAfee cannot take care of this one. It appears to mostly affect those of us who were born in 1958 or earlier.

Symptoms:

1.Causes you to send the same a-mail twice.
2.Causes you to send a blank e-mail.
3.Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person.
4.Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you.
5.Causes you to forget to attach the attachment.
6.Causes you to hit “SEND” before you’ve finished.
7.Causes you to hit “DELETE” instead of “SEND.” Â

It is called the “C-Nile Virus.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
At my church one day, a woman who had often snubbed me went out of her way to give me a big hug before the service. I was surprised by her gesture and wondered what had initiated her change of heart. I got my answer at the end of the service.

“Your assignment for next week,” the minister instructed, “is the same as last week. I want you to go out there and love somebody you just can’t stand.”

The new preacher, at this first service, had a pitcher of water and a glass on the pulpit. As he preached,he drank until the pitcher of water was completely gone.

After the service, someone asked an old woman of the church, “How did you like the new pastor?”

“Fine,” she said, “but he’s the first windmill I ever saw that was run by water.”

The female Olympic skier Picabo Street (pronounced Peek-a-boo) is not just an athlete, she is a nurse. She currently works at the Intensive Care Unit of a large metropolitan hospital.

She is not permitted to answer the telephone, however, as it caused simply too much confusion when she would answer the phone and say, Picabo, ICU.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Here is the story of a person who got up one Sunday and announced to
his congregation: I have good news and bad news.
The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building
program. The bad news is, it’s still out there in your pockets. : )
Two men were marooned on a desolate island. Days passed and one of the men became frantic about their impending fate. He spoke to his friend about his concern, “We have no food, no shelter, no water, we will surely die! Aren’t you afraid?” The other man replied, “No, not for a minute. I’m a Christian and I’m the biggest tither in my church. I am sure that my pastor will find us shortly.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
THE TEN COMMANDMENTS

(Laodicean Recension)

1. I am the Lord thy God; thou shouldst consider me relatively important.

2. Thou shouldst not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain, unless thou art really ticked off and canst think of no other way to let off steam.

3. Once in a while thou shouldst take a break and listen to what I have to say–not that thou necessarily hast to take my advice, though.

4. Honor thy father and thy mother, except when thou art blaming them for thine own dysfunction.

5. Thou shouldst not kill; neither shouldst thou consider it necessary to go out of thy way to help people in need.

6. Thou shouldst not commit adultery, unless thou canst call it “serial monogamy.”

7. Thou shouldst not steal in such a way as to get caught.

8. Thou shouldst not bear false witness against thy neighbor, except as a way to avoid dealing with thine own issues.

9. Thou shouldst not covet thy neighbor’s possessions, unless they really will help thee find personal fulfillment.

10. Thou shouldst not covet thy neighbor’s spouse without provocation.

These Ten Commandments are posted at Cross Trails Church in Fairle, Texas. A “cowboy church”

Just one God
Honor yer Ma & Pa
No telling tales or gossipin’
Git yourself to Sunday meeting
Put nothin’ before God
No foolin’ around with another fellow’s gal
No killin’
Watch yer mouth
Don’t take what ain’t yers
Don’t be hankerin’ for yer buddy’s stuff

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Jesus was wandering around Jerusalem when He decided that He really needed a new robe. After looking around for a while, He saw a sign for Finkelstein, the Tailor. So, He went in and made the necessary arrangements to have Finkelstein prepare a new robe for him.

A few days later, when the robe was finished, Jesus tried it on and it was a perfect fit!

He asked how much He owed but Finkelstein brushed him off: “No, no, no, for the Son of God? There’s no charge! However, may I ask for a small favor? Whenever you give a sermon, perhaps you could just mention that your nice new robe was made by Finkelstein the Tailor.”

Jesus readily agreed and as promised, extolled the virtues of his Finkelstein robe whenever He spoke to the masses.

A few months later, while Jesus was again walking through Jerusalem, He happened to walk past Finkelstein’s shop and noted a huge line of people waiting for Finkelstein’s robes. He pushed his way through the crowd to speak to him and as soon as Finkelstein spotted Him he said: “Jesus, Jesus, look what you’ve done for my business! Would you consider a partnership?”

“Certainly,” replied Jesus, “Jesus & Finkelstein it is.”

“Oh, no, no,” said Finkelstein. “Finkelstein & Jesus, after all, I am the craftsman.” The two of them debated this for some time. Their discussion was long and spirited, but ultimately fruitful and they finally came up with a mutually acceptable compromise.

A few days later, the new sign went up over Finkelstein’s shop.

Can you guess what it read??

Are you sure you want to know?

Here it comes…

Don’t say you weren’t warned……

‘LORD & TAYLOR’
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I have recently been diagnosed with AAADD –

Age
Activated
Attention
Deficit
Disorder

This is how it goes… I decide to do work on the car, start to the garage and notice the mail on the table. OK, I’m going to work on the car… BUT FIRST I’m going to go through the mail. Lay car keys down on desk. After discarding the junk mail, I notice the trash can is full. OK, I’ll just put the bills on my desk…. BUT FIRST I’ll take the trash out, but since I’m going to be near the mailbox, I’ll address a few bills…. Yes, Now where is the checkbook?

Oops.. there’s only one check left. Where did I put the extra checks? Oh, there is my empty plastic cup from last night on my desk. I’m going to look for those checks… BUT FIRST I need to put the cup back in the kitchen. I head for the kitchen, look out the window, notice the flowers need a drink of water, I put the cup on the counter and there’s my extra pair of glasses on the kitchen counter.

What are they doing here? I’ll just put them away… BUT FIRST need to water those plants. I head for the door and… Aaaagh! someone left the TV remote on the wrong spot. Okay, I’ll put the remote away and water the plants… BUT FIRST I need to find those checks. END OF DAY: Oil in car not changed, bills still unpaid, cup still in the sink, checkbook still has only one check left, lost my car keys, .. And, when I try to figure out how come nothing got done today, I’m baffled because…I KNOW I WAS BUSY ALL DAY! I realize this condition is serious…I’d get help…BUT FIRST…I think I’ll check my e-mail.

The pastor delivered his first sermon in a new calling.

On arriving home after worship. “How was he?” her husband asked?

“Breathtaking,” his wife replied. “Every half hour he stopped talking and took a deep breath.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
INSTALLING LOVE

Tech Support: Yes Ma’am… how can I help you?

Customer: Well, after much consideration, I’ve decided to install Love. Can you guide me though the process?

Tech Support: Yes. I can help you. Are you ready to proceed?

Customer: Well, I’m not very technical, but I think I’m ready.
What do I do first?

Tech Support: The first step is to open your Heart. Have you located your Heart ma’am?

Customer: Yes, but there are several other programs running now. Is it okay to install Love while they are running?

Tech Support: What programs are running ma’am?

Customer: Let’s see, I have Past/Hurt, Low Self-Esteem, Grudge and Resentment running right now.

Tech Support: No problem, Love will gradually erase Past/Hurt from your current operating system. It may remain in your permanent memory, but it will no longer disrupt other programs. Love will eventually override Low Self-Esteem with a module of it’s own called High Self-Esteem. However, you have to completely turn off Grudge and Resentment. Those programs prevent Love from being properly installed. Can you turn those off ma’am?

Customer: I don’t know how to turn them off. Can you tell me how?

Tech Support: With pleasure. Go to your start menu and invoke Forgiveness. Do this as many times as necessary until Grudge and Resentment have completely erased.

Customer: Okay, done! Love has started installing itself. Is that normal?

Tech Support: Yes, but remember that you have only the base program. You need to begin connecting to other Hearts in order to get the upgrades.

Customer: Oops! I have an error message already. It says, “Error – program will not run on external components.” What should I do?

Tech Support: Don’t worry ma’am. It means that the Love program is set up to run on Internal Hearts, but has not yet been run on your Heart. In non-technical terms, it simply means you have to Love yourself before you can Love others.

Customer: So, what should I do?

Tech Support: Can you pull down Self-Acceptance; then click on the following files: Forgive-Self; Realize Your Worth; and Acknowledge your Limitations.

Customer: Okay, done.

Tech Support: Now, copy them to the “My Heart” directory. The system will overwrite any conflicting files and begin patching faulty programming.

Also, you need to delete Verbose Self-Criticism from all directories and empty your Recycle Bin to make sure it is completely gone and never comes back.

Customer: Got it. Hey!!! My heart is filling up with new files. Smile is playing on my monitor and Peace and Contentment are copying themselves all over My Heart. Is this normal?

Tech Support: Sometimes. For others it takes awhile, but eventually everything gets it at the proper time so Love is installed and running.

One more thing before we hang up. Love is Freeware. Be sure to give it and its various modules to everyone you meet. They will in turn share it with others and return some cool modules back to you.

Customer: I promise to do just that. By the way, what’s your name?

Tech Support: Just call me the Divine Cardiologist, also known as the Great Physician, or, just “I AM.” Most people feel all they need is an annual checkup to stay heart-healthy; but, the manufacturer (ME) suggests a daily maintenance schedule for maximum Love efficiency.

– Author “unknown”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Forrest Gump Goes To Heaven

The day finally arrived: Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed and Forrest approaches the Gatekeeper.

St. Peter says, “Well, Forrest, it’s certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we’ve been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have pass it before you can get into Heaven.”

Forrest responds, “It shor is good to be here St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever tolt me about any entrance exam. Shor hope the test ain’t too hard; life was a big enough test as it was.”

St. Peter goes on, “Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.

First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T?

Second: How many seconds are there in a year?

Third: What is God’s first name?”

Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter who waves him up and says, “Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers.”

Forrest says, “Well, the first one — which two days in the week begin with the letter ‘T?” Shucks, that one’s easy. That’d be Today and Tomorrow.”

The Saint’s eyes open wide and he exclaims, “Forrest, that’s not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I didn’t specify, so I’ll give you credit for that answer. How about the next one?” asks St. Peter. “How many seconds in a year?”

“Now that one’s harder,” says Forrest, “but I thunk and thunk about that and I guess the only answer can be twelve.”
Astounded, St. Peter says, “Twelve? Twelve!? Forrest, how in Heaven’s name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?”

Forrest says “Shucks, there’s gotta be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd. . .”

“Hold it, ” interrupts St. Peter. “I see where you’re going with this, and I see your point, though that wasn’t quite what I had in mind….. but I’ll have to give you credit for that one, too. Let’s go on with the third and final question. Can you tell me God’s first name”?

“Sure” Forrest replied, “it’s Andy.”

Andy?!” exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St. Peter. “Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?”

“Shucks, that was the easiest one of all,” Forrest replied. “I learnt it from the song. . . . “ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN. . . .”

St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates and said: “Run Forrest, run.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two guys from Marquette, Michigan die and wake up in hell. The next day the devil stops in to check on them and sees them dressed in parkas, mittens and bomber hats warming themselves around the fire.

The devil asks them, “What are you doing? Isn’t it hot enough for you?” The two guys reply, “Vell, ya know, we’re from Nordern Michigan, the land of snow and ice and cold. We’re just happy for a chance to warm up a little bit ya know.”

The devil decides that these two aren’t miserable enough and turns up the heat. The next morning he stops in again and there they are, still dressed in parkas, hats and mittens. The devil asks them again, “Its awfully hot down here, can’t you guys feel that?” Again the two guys reply, “Vell, like we told you yesterday, we’re from Nordern Michigan, the land of snow and ice and cold. We’re just happy for a chance to warm up a vee bit ya know.”

This gets the devil quite steamed so he decides to fix the two guys. He cranks the heat up as high as it will go. The people are wailing and screaming every where. He stops by the room with the two guys from Michigan and finds them in light jackets and hats, grilling walleye and drinking beer.

The devil is astonished, “Everyone down here is in abject misery, and you two seem to be enjoying yourself.” The two Michiganders reply, “Vell, ya know, we don’t get too much varm weather up dere in Marquette, Michigan we’ve just got to have a fish fry when the veather’s this nice.” The devil is absolutely furious; he can hardly see straight. Finally he comes up with the answer. The two guys love the heat because they have been cold all their lives. The devil decides to turn all the heat off in hell.

The next morning, the temperature is below zero, icicles are hanging everywhere, people are shivering so bad that they are unable to wail, moan and gnash their teeth. The devil smiles and heads for the room with the two Michiganders. He gets there and finds them back in their parkas, bomber hats, and mittens. They are jumping up and down, cheering, yelling and screaming like mad men. The devil is dumb founded, “I don’t understand, when I turn up the heat you’re happy. Now its freezing cold and you’re still happy. What is wrong with you two?”

The Michiganders look at the devil in surprise, “Vell, don’t ya know, If hell froze over dat must mean da Lions von da super bowl!!!”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man appears before the pearly gates. “Have you ever done anything of particular merit?” St. Peter asks. “Well, I can think of one thing….” the man offers. “Once I came upon a gang of high-testosterone bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn’t listen. So I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker. I smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground, and told him, ‘ Leave her alone now or you’ll answer to me.'”

St. Peter was impressed. “When did this happen?”

“A couple of minutes ago.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Continuing the current trend of large-scale mergers and acquisitions, it was announced today at a press conference that Christmas and Hanukkah will merge. An industry source said that the deal had been in the works for about 1300 years. While details were not available at press time, it is believed that the overhead cost of having twelve days of Christmas and eight days of Hanukkah was becoming prohibitive for both sides. By combining forces, we’re told, the world will be able to enjoy consistently high-quality service during the Fifteen Days of Chrismukah, as the new holiday is being called.

Massive layoffs are expected, with lords a-leaping and maids a-milking being the hardest hit. As part of the conditions of the agreement, the letters on the dreydl, currently in Hebrew, will be replaced by Latin, thus becoming unintelligible to a wider audience. Also, instead of translating to “A great miracle happened there,”the message on the dreydl will be the more generic “Miraculous stuff happens.” In exchange, it is believed that Jews will be allowed to use Santa Claus and his vast merchandising resources for buying and delivering their gifts.

One of the sticking points holding up the agreement for at least three hundred years was the question of whether Jewish children could leave milk and cookies for Santa even after having eaten meat for dinner. A breakthrough came last year, when Oreos were finally declared to be Kosher. All sides appeared happy about this.

A spokesman for Christmas, Inc., declined to say whether a takeover of Kwanzaa might not be in the works as well. He merely pointed out that, were it not for the independent existence of Kwanzaa, the merger between Christmas and Chanukah might indeed be seen as an unfair cornering of the holiday market. Fortunately for all concerned, he said, Kwanzaa will help to maintain the competitive balance.

He then closed the press conference by leading all present in a rousing rendition of “Oy Vey, All Ye Faithful.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There was a very progressive church that decided to have four
worship services each Sunday. There would be one for those new to
the faith, another for those who liked traditional worship, one
for those who had lost their faith and were seeking to get it back
and a final one for those who had a bad experience with the church
and were constantly complaining about it.

They decided to give name for each of the services:
FINDERS, KEEPERS, LOSERS, WEEPERS!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Funeral Arrangements

Sometime after Sidney died, his widow, Tillie, was finally able to speak about what a thoughtful and wonderful man her late husband had been.

“Sidney thought of everything,” she told them. “Just before he died, Sidney called me to his bedside. He handed me three envelopes. ‘Tillie,’ he told me, ‘I have put all my last wishes in these three envelopes. After I am dead, please open them and do exactly as I have instructed. Then, I can rest in peace’.”

“What was in the envelopes?” her friends asked.

“The first envelope contained $5,000 with a note, ‘Please use this money to buy a nice casket.’ So I bought a beautiful mahogany casket with such a comfortable lining that I know Sidney is resting very comfortably.”

“The second envelope contained $10,000 with a note, ‘Please use this for anice funeral ‘I arranged Sidney a very dignified funeral and bought all his favorite foods for everyone attending.”

“And the third envelope?” asked her friends.

“The third envelope contained $25,000 with a note, ‘Please use this to buy a nice stone.'”

Holding her hand in the air, Tillie said…

“So, do you like my stone?” showing off her 10 carat diamond ring.

Somebody has well said that there are only two kinds of people in the world: There are those who wake up in the morning and say, “Good morning, Lord,” and There are those who wake up in the morning and say, “Good Lord, it’s morning.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
SINGING WITH THE LUTHERANS

by Garrison Keillor

I have made fun of Lutherans for years–who wouldn’t if you lived in Minnesota? But I have also sung with Lutherans and that is one of the main joys of life, along with hot baths and fresh sweet corn. We make fun of Lutherans for their blandness, their excessive calm, their fear of giving offense, their constant guilt that burns like a pilot light, their lack of speed and also for their secret fondness for macaroni and cheese. But nobody sings like them.

If you ask an audience in New York City, a relatively “Lutheranless” place, to sing along on the chorus of “Michael Row the Boat Ashore” they will look daggers at you as if you had asked them to strip to their underwear. But if you do this among Lutherans they’ll smile and row that boat ashore and up on the beach! And down the road! Lutherans are bred from childhood to sing in four-part harmony. It’s a talent that comes from sitting on the lap of someone singing alto or tenor or bass and hearing the harmonic intervals by putting your little head against that person’s rib cage.

It’s natural for Lutherans to sing in harmony. We’re too modest to be soloists, too worldly to sing in unison. When you’re singing in the key of C and you slide into the A7th and D7th chords, all two hundred of you, it’s an emotionally fulfilling moment. I once sang the bass line of “Children of the Heavenly Father” in a room with about three thousand Lutherans in it; and when we finished we all had tears in our eyes, partly from the promise that God will not forsake us, partly from the proximity of all those lovely voices. By our joining in harmony, we somehow promise that we will not forsake each other.

I do believe this: people, these Lutherans, who love to sing in four-part harmony are the sort of people you could call up when you’re in deep distress. If you’re dying, they’ll comfort you. If you’re lonely, they’ll talk to you. And if you’re hungry, they’ll give you

tuna salad! If you laughed while reading this you must be a Lutheran 🙂

The following list was compiled by a 20th century Lutheran who, observing other Lutherans, wrote down exactly what he saw or heard:

1) Lutherans believe in prayer but would practically die if asked to pray out loud.

2) Lutherans like to sing except when confronted with a new hymn or a hymn with more than four stanzas.

3) Lutherans believe their pastors will visit them in the hospital even if they don’t notify them that they are there.

4) Lutherans usually follow the official liturgy and will feel it is their way of suffering for their sins.

5) Lutherans believe in miracles and even expect miracles, especially during their stewardship visitation programs or when passing the plate.

6) Lutherans feel that applauding for their children’s choirs would make them too proud and conceited.

7) Lutherans think that the Bible forbids them from crossing the aisle while “passing the peace.”

8) Lutherans drink coffee as if it were the Third Sacrament.

9) Some Lutherans still believe that an ELCA bride and an LCMS groom make for a mixed marriage. (or an ELCA groom and WELS bride?)

10) Lutherans feel guilty for not staying to clean up after their own wedding reception in the Fellowship Hall.

11) Lutherans are willing to pay up to a dollar for a meal at church.

12) Lutherans think that Garrison Keeler stories are totally factual.

13) Lutherans still serve Jell-O in the proper liturgical color for the season and think that peas in a tuna noodle casserole adds too much color.

14) Lutherans believe that it is OK to poke fun at themselves and never take themselves too seriously.

And finally, you know when you’re a Lutheran when:

* You hear something really funny during the sermon and smile as loudly as you can!

* It’s 100 degrees, with 90% humidity, and you still have coffee after the service.

* Doughnuts are a line item in the church budget, just like coffee. * The communion cabinet is open to all, but the coffee cabinet is locked up tight.

* All your relatives graduated from a school named Concordia (or Luther).

* When you watch a “Star Wars” movie and they say, “May the Force be with you,” you respond, “and also with you.” You actually understand those folks from Lake Wobegon, MN.

* And lastly, it takes ten minutes to say “good-bye.”

“Live long and prosper.” -John 10.10b (adapted)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A woman goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas Cards.

She says to the clerk, “May I have 50 Christmas stamps?”

“What denomination?” the clerk asks.

“Oh my gosh, has it come to this?” the woman asks.
“Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Lutheran, and 32 Presbyterian.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel microphone, as he preached, he moved about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went. then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again.

After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered. if he gets loose will he hurt us?’
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
MANUFACTURER’S NOTICE:

It has come to our attention that the pastor you received was shipped with a slight defect: he is not psychic. This defect necessitates certain special procedures to ensure optimum performance of your unit.

1. It is necessary to inform him of any members who are hospitalized.

2. It is also necessary to inform him of any members who should be added to the “shut-in” list.

3. If someone you know is sick or otherwise in need of the pastor’s attention, or if you know of someone who should be included in the prayers of the Church, he must be told, or he won’t know.

4. If you are in need of a pastoral visit or some other service from the pastor, you will get best results if you ask him.

We regret any inconvenience this may cause. If these special procedures create an undue burden, please feel free to send the unit back, and one with full psychic abilities will be shipped as soon as one becomes available.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
THE CANNONICAL WASH LIST

Ten Reasons Why I Never Wash

by Rev. Sudney Laing of Dublin, Ireland

1. I was made to wash as a child.

2. People who wash are hypocrites…they reckon they are cleaner than other people

3. There are so many different kinds of soap, I could never decide which one was right.

4. I used to wash, but it got boring so I stopped.

5. I still wash on special occasions, like Christmas and Easter

6. None of my friends wash.

7. I’m still young–when I’m older and have gotten a bit dirtier I might start washing.

8. I really don’t have the time.

9. The bathroom is never warm or cool enough.

10. People who make soap are only after your money.

~~~~~~~~~~~
Bible Q & A
Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he married?

A. Ruthless

Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?

A. Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.

Q. What was the greatest female financier in the Bible?

A. Pharaoh’s daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.

Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?

A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury. David’s Triumph was heard throughout the land. Honda, because the apostles were all in one Accord.

Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?

A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.

Q. Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?

A. Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.

Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?

A. The area around Jordan. The banks were always overflowing.

Q. Who is the greatest babysitter mentioned in the Bible?

A. David. He rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep.

Q. Which Bible character had no parents?

A. Joshua, son of Nun.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How to exegete a STOP sign

Suppose you’re traveling to work and you see a stop sign. What do you do?

That depends on how you exegete the stop sign.

1. A post modernist deconstructs the sign (knocks it over with his car), ending forever the tyranny of the north-south traffic over the east-west traffic.

2. Similarly, a Marxist sees a stop sign as an instrument of class conflict. He concludes that the bourgeoisie use the north-south road and obstruct the progress of the workers on the east-west road.

3. A serious and educated Catholic believes that he cannot understand the stop sign apart from its interpretive community and their tradition. Observing that the interpretive community doesn’t take it too seriously, he doesn’t feel obligated to take it too seriously either.

4. An average Catholic (or Orthodox, Coptic, Anglican, Episcopalian, Methodist, Presbyterian or whatever) doesn’t bother to read the sign but he’ll stop if the car in front of him does.

5. A fundamentalist, taking the text very literally, stops at the stop sign and waits for it to tell him to go.

6. A preacher might look up “STOP” in his lexicons of English and discover that it can mean: 1) something which prevents motion, such as a plug for a drain, or a block of wood that prevents a door from closing;

2) a location where a train or bus lets off passengers. The main point of his sermon the following Sunday on this text is: when you see a stop sign, it is a place where traffic is naturally clogged, so it is a good place to let off passengers from your car.

7. An orthodox Jew does one of two things:

1.Take another route to work that doesn’t have a stop sign so that he doesn’t run the risk of disobeying the Law.

2.Stop at the stop sign, say “Blessed art thou, O Lord our God, king of the universe, who hast given us thy commandment to stop,” wait 3 seconds according to his watch, and then proceed.

Incidentally, the Talmud has the following comments on this passage: R[abbi] Meir says: He who does not stop shall not live long. R. Hillel

says: Cursed is he who does not count to three before proceeding. R. Simon ben Yudah says: Why three?

Because the Holy One, blessed be He, gave us the Law, the Prophets, and the Writings. R. ben Isaac says: Because of the three patriarchs. R. Yehuda says: Why bless the Lord at a stop sign? Because it says: “Be

still, and know that I am God.”

R. Hezekiel says: When Jahthah returned from defeating the Ammonites, the Holy One, blessed be He, knew that a donkey would run out of the house and overtake his daughter; but Jephthah did not stop at the stop sign, and the donkey did not have time to come out. For this reason he saw his daughter first and lost her. Thus he was judged for his transgression at the stop sign.

R. Gamaliel says: R. Hillel, when he was a baby, never spoke a word,

though his parents tried to teach him by speaking and showing him the

words on a scroll. One day his father was driving through town and did not stop at the sign. Young Hillel called out: “Stop, father!” In this way, he began reading and speaking at the same time. Thus it is written: “Out of the mouth of babes.” R. ben Jacob says: Where did the stop sign come from? Out of the sky, for it is written: “Forever, O Lord, your word is fixed in the heavens.” R. ben Nathan says: When were stop signs created? On the fourth day, for it is written: “let them serve as signs.” R. Yeshuah says: … [continues for three more pages!!!!]

8. A Pharisee does the same thing as an orthodox Jew, except that he waits 10 seconds instead of 3. He also replaces his brake lights with 1000 watt searchlights and connects his horn so that it is activated whenever he touches the brake pedal.

9. A scholar from Jesus seminar concludes that the passage “STOP” undoubtedly was never uttered by Jesus himself, but belongs entirely to stage III of the gospel tradition, when the church was first confronted by traffic in its parking lot.

10. A New Testament scholar notices that there is no stop sign on Mark street but there is one on Matthew and Luke streets, and concludes that the ones on Luke and Matthew streets are both copied from a sign on a completely hypothetical street called “Q”. There is an excellent 300 page discussion of speculations on the origin of these stop signs and the differences between the stop signs on Matthew and Luke street in the scholar’s commentary on the passage. There is an unfortunately omission in the commentary, however; the author apparently forgot to explain what the text means.

11. An Old Testament scholar points out that there are a number of stylistic differences between the first and second half of the passage “STOP”. For example, “ST” contains no enclosed areas and 5 line endings, whereas “OP” contains two enclosed areas and only one line termination. He concludes that the author for the second part is different from the author for the first part and probably lived hundreds of years later. Later scholars determine that the second half is itself actually written by two separate authors because of similar stylistic differences between the “O” and the “P”.

12. Another prominent Old Testament scholar notes in his commentary that the stop sign would fit better into the context three streets back. (Unfortunately, he neglected to explain why in his commentary.) Clearly it was moved to its present location by a later redactor. He thus exegetes the intersection as though the stop sign were not there.

13. Because of the difficulties in interpretation, another Old Testament scholar emends the text, changing “T” to “H”. “SHOP” is much easier to understand in context than “STOP” because of the multiplicity of stores in the area. The textual corruption probably occurred because “SHOP” is so similar to “STOP” on the sign several streets back that it is a natural mistake for a scribe to make. Thus the sign should be interpreted to announce the existence of a shopping area.

Humor-stewardship & discipleship

The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation, after the worship service, to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play. “Here’s a copy of the service,” he said impatiently. “But you’ll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances.”
During the service, the minister paused and said, “Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up.”
At that moment, the substitute organist played “The Star Spangled Banner.” And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!

***************************************************

Little Billy wanted $100 to buy a bicycle and prayed for weeks and weeks to no avail. Finally he wrote a letter asking God to send him the $100. He addressed the envelope God, USA. The Post Office didn’t know what to do with the letter, so they sent it to the White House.

A White House staff member who opened the mail was so touched, she sent Billy $5. For fun, she included a note: “Here you are, Billy. –God”

Billy took out the $5 and wrote a thank you note:

Dear God,

Thanks so much for the money, but I think next time you shouldn’t send it through Washington, D.C. They deducted $95 of it! -Billy

*********************************************************

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said, “Stop! Don’t do it!”
“Why shouldn’t I?” he said.

I said, “Well, there’s so much to live for!”

He said, “Like what?”

I said, “Well, are you religious or atheist?”

He said, “Religious.”

I said, “Me too! Are you Christian or Buddhist?”

He said, “Christian.”

I said, “Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?”

He said, “Protestant”

I said, “Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?”

He said, “Baptist!”

I said, “Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God, or Baptist Church of the Lord?”

He said, “Baptist Church of God!”

I said, “Me too! Are you Original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?”

He said, “Reformed Baptist Church of God!”

I said, “Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915?”

He said, “Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915!”

I said, “Die, heretic scum!” and pushed him off!

***********************************************************

Christian One Liners
Some people are kind, polite, and sweet-spirited …. until you try to sit in their pews. Many folks want to serve God, but only as advisers. It is easier to preach ten sermons than it is to live one. The good Lord didn’t create anything without a purpose, but mosquitoes come close. When you get to your wit’s end, you’ll find God lives there. People are funny, they want the front of the bus, the middle of the road, and the back of the church. Opportunity may knock once, but temptation bangs on your front door forever. Quit griping about your church; if it was perfect, you couldn’t belong. The phrase that is guaranteed to wake up an audience: “And in conclusion.” If the church wants a better preacher, it only needs to pray for the one it has. God Himself does not propose to judge a man until he is dead. So why should you? To make a long story short, don’t tell it. Some minds are like concrete, thoroughly mixed up and permanently set. Peace starts with a smile. I don’t know why some people change churches; what difference does it make which one you stay home from? A lot of church members who are singing “Standing on the Promises” are just sitting on the premises. We were called to be witnesses-not lawyers or judges. Outside of traffic, there is nothing that holds this country back as much as committees. Be ye fishers of men. You catch them – He’ll clean them. Coincidence is when God chooses to remain anonymous. Don’t put a question mark where God put a period. Don’t wait for 6 strong men to take you to church. Forbidden fruits create many jams. God doesn’t call the qualified, He qualifies the called. God grades on the cross, not the curve. God loves everyone, but probably prefers “fruits of the spirit” over “religious nuts!” God promises a safe landing, not a calm passage. He who angers you, controls you! If God is your Co-pilot – swap seats! The task ahead of us is never as great as the Power behind us. The Will of God will never take you to where the Grace of God will not protect you. We don’t change the message, the message changes us. You can tell how big a person is by what it takes to discourage him. The best mathematical equation I have ever seen: 1 cross + 3 nails = 4 given

**********************************************************

“Biblical Bumper Stickers”

Adam: “You are what you eat.”

Eve: “At least he doesn’t compare me to his mother.”

Abraham: “I’m goin’ not knowin’. ”

Noah: “Honk if you believe in treading water.”

Moses: “From a basket case to the promised land.”

Elizah: “When Jezebel ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.”

Balaam: “My second donkey talks!”

At the Sinai desert: “Winding road next 40 years”

At the Red Sea: “Caution! Subject to sudden flooding”

The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40

years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn’t ask for directions.

*********************************************************

God’s E-mail….One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of

the rascally behavior that was going on.

He decided to send an angel down to Earth to check it out. So he called one of His angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time.

When he returned, he told God, “Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and 5% are not.” God thought for a moment and said, “Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion.”

So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time too. When the angel returned he went to God and said, “Yes, it’s true–the Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving and 5% are being good.”

God was not pleased. So He decided to E-mail the 5% that were good, because He wanted to encourage them. Give them a little something to help them keep going. Do you know what that E-mail said? No?

I didn’t get one either ***************************************************

An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, “How do you expect to get into Heaven?”

The boy thought it over and said, “Well, I’ll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, ‘For Heaven’s sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'”

**********************************************************

Two cars were waiting at a stoplight.

The light turned green, but the man in the 1st car didn’t notice it.

A woman in the car behind him is watching traffic pass around them. The woman begins pounding on her steering wheel and yelling at the man to move. The man doesn’t move.

The woman is going ballistic inside her car, ranting and raving at the man, pounding on her steering wheel and dash. The light turns yellow and the woman begins to blow the car horn, flips him off, and screams profanity and curses at the man.

The man looks up, sees the yellow light and accelerates through the intersection just as the light turns red.

The woman is beside herself, screaming in frustration as she misses her chance to get through the intersection.

As she is still in mid-rant she hears a tap on her window and looks up into the barrel of a gun held by a very serious-looking policeman. The policeman tells her to shut off her car while keeping both hands in sight. She complies, speechless at what is happening.

After she shuts off the engine, the policeman orders her to exit her car with her hands up. She gets out of the car and he orders her to turn and place her hands on her car. She turns, places her hands on the car roof and quickly is cuffed and hustled into the patrol car.

She is too bewildered by the chain of events to ask any questions and is driven to the police station where she is fingerprinted, photographed, searched, booked and placed in a cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approaches the cell and opens the door for her. She is escorted back to the booking desk where the original officer is waiting with her personal effects.

He hands her the bag containing her things, and says, “I’m really sorry for this mistake. But you see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping the guy off in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him.

Then I noticed the

“Choose Life” license plate holder, the

“What Would Jesus Do” bumper sticker, the

“Follow Me to Sunday School” bumper sticker, and the chrome plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. So, naturally . . . . . . .

I assumed you had stolen the car.

Humor: Pastor related

Jesus and Pastors

Jesus

Pastors

Walks on Water

Slips on Ice

Curses Fig Tree

Kills House Plant

Raises the Dead

Wakes Teenagers

Calls Disciples

E-mails Session

Feeds 5 Thousand

Buys Snacks for Youth Group

Casts out Demons

Turns on Nightlight

Stands at the door and knocks

Has Church Key

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There’s the story about the new pastor who comes to a church and places a placque outside his office door that says, PRAYER CHANGES THINGS

He comes to the office on Tuesday and finds it turned toward the wall. He sets it right again.

On Thursday, after the Wednesday evening meeting, he found it turned against the wall again. He turned it out, and decided he should find out what was going on.

He stayed late Sunday evening, and decided to be the last one out, as he kept an eye on the plaque. Finally, he saw Old Bob sneak on over to the plaque and turn it around. The pastor pounced.

“Bob, don’t you believe in prayer?”

“Oh sure, Pastor, I believe in prayer. I just don’t like change!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An elderly woman walked into the local country church.
The friendly usher greeted her at the door. “Where would
you like to sit?” he asked politely.
“The front row, please,” she answered.
“You really don’t want to do that,” the usher said. “The
pastor is really boring.”
“Do you happen to know who I am?” the woman inquired.
“No,” he said.
“I’m the pastor’s mother,” she replied indignantly.
“Do you know who I am?” he asked.
“No,” she said.
“Good,” he answered.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There is story about the newly ordained pastor who gets a call from the funeral home his first week on the job. The body of someone who has not lived in the community seventy years is being shipped back for burial in an old family graveyard out in the country (mountains?). The new minister agrees to do a simple committal prayer. There will be no one there except for a few funeral home employees.

The new minister gets lost going to the graveyard and arrives two hours late. It’s a graveyard which surrounds an old country church. (S)he finds two workmen shoveling dirt into the grave site. (S)he walks to the grave site. The workmen stand back leaning on their shovels. The minister has a short Bible reading and a committal prayer.

As (s)he leaves (s)he hears one workman say to another, “Zeek, think we should tell that young preacher (s)he just buried a septic tank?”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In our search for a suitable pastor the following scratch sheet was developed for your perusal. Of the candidates investigated by the committee, only one was found to have the necessary qualities. The list contains the names of the candidates and comments on each, should you be interested in investigating them further for future pastoral placements.

Noah: He has 120 years of preaching experience, but no converts.

Moses: He stutters; and his former congregation says he loses his temper over trivial things.

Abraham: He took off to Egypt during hard times. We heard that he got into trouble with the authorities and then tried to lie his way out.

David: He is an unacceptable moral character. He might have been considered for minister of music had he not ‘fallen’.

Solomon: He has a reputation for wisdom but fails to practice what he preaches.

Elijah: He proved to be inconsistent; and is known to fold under pressure.

Hosea: His family life is in a shambles. Divorced, and remarried to a prostitute.

Jeremiah: He is too emotional, alarmist; some say a real ‘pain in the neck’.

Amos: Comes from a farming background. Better off picking figs.

John: He says he is a Baptist but lacks tact and dresses like a hippie. Would not feel comfortable at a church potluck supper.

Peter: Has a bad temper, and was heard to have even denied Christ publicly.

Paul: We found him to lack tact. He is too harsh, His appearance is contemptible, and he preaches far too long.

Timothy: He has potential, but is much too young for the position.

Jesus: He tends to offend church members with his preaching, especially Bible scholars. He is also too controversial. He even offended the search committee with his pointed questions.

Judas: He seemed to be very practical, co-operative, good with money, cares for the poor, and dresses well. We all agreed that he is just the man we are looking for to fill the vacancy as our Senior Pastor.

Thank you for all you have done in assisting us with our pastoral search.

The Pastoral Search Committee.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Engineering Management Society Newsletter printed the following letter under the title “A Personnel Matter.”
To: Jesus, Son of Joseph
Woodcrafters Carpenter shop
Nazareth 25922

From: Jordan Management
Consultants
Jerusalem 26544

Sir:

Thank you for submitting the resumes of the twelve men you have picked for management positions in you new organization. All of them have now taken our battery of tests; and we have not only run the results through our computer, but also arranged personal interviews for each of them with our psychologist and vocational aptitude consultant.

The profiles of all tests are included, and you will want to study each of them carefully.

As part of our service and for your guidance, we make some general comments, much as an auditor will include some general statements. This is given as a result of staff consultation and comes without any additional fee.

It is the staff opinion that most of your nominees are lacking in background, education and vocational aptitude for the type of enterprise you are undertaking. They do not have the team concept. We would recommend that you continue your search for persons of experience in managerial ability and proven capability.

Simon Peter is emotionally unstable and given to fits of temper. Andrew has absolutely no qualities of leadership. The two brothers, James and John, the sons of Zebedee, place personal interest above company loyalty. Thomas demonstrates a questioning attitude that would tend to undermine morale. We feel that it is our duty to tell you that Matthew has been blacklisted by the Greater Jerusalem Better Business Bureau. James, the son of Alphaeus, and Thaddaeus definitely have radical leanings, and they both registered a high score on the manic-depressive scale.

One of the candidates, however, shows great potential. He is a man of ability and resourcefulness, meets people well, has a keen business mind and has contacts in high places. He is highly motivated, ambitious and responsible. We recommend Judas Iscariot as you controller and right-hand man. All of the other profiles are self-explanatory.

We wish you every success in your new venture.

Sincerely yours,

Jordan Management Consultants

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Story with a moral:

A month after his installation, the new pastor was approached by a member of the board who, noticing the grass around the church had not been cut, said, “You know the former pastor used to mow the grass.”

The new man replied, “Yes, and I talked to him about it, and he said, he didn’t want to do that anymore.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

New pastor finds a note in the study from the previous pastor, along
with three envelopes, marked #1, #2, and #3.
The note wishes him well, and advises to save these envelopes for major
problems in the church, and to open them one at a time and in order.

A whole year and a half goes by before a big blowup, at which time the
pastor opens envelope #1 and finds these words inside: Blame the
former pastor. That seems to get him through the skirmish.

Another year passes until another big blowup. He opens envelope #2 and
reads: Blame the Presbytery (or synod or conference or bishop
or …). He survives that trouble also.

Half a year later, a third big blowup occurs. He confidently opens
envelope #3, inside which it says: Prepare three envelopes.

Edit Text

Humor: Advent and Christmas
Twas the night before Jesus came

‘Twas the night before Jesus came and all through the house

Not a creature was praying, not one in the house.

Their Bibles were lain on the shelf without care

in hopes that Jesus would not come there.

The children were dressing to crawl into bed,

Not once ever kneeling or bowing a head.

And Mom in her rocker with baby on her lap

Was watching the Late Show while I took a nap.

When out of the East there arose such a clatter,

I sprang to my feet to see what was the matter.

Away to the window I flew like a flash

Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash!

When what to my wondering eyes should appear

But angels proclaiming that Jesus was here.

With a light like the sun sending forth a bright ray

I knew in a moment this must be The Day!

The light of His face made me cover my head

It was Jesus! returning just like He had said.

And though I possessed worldly wisdom and wealth,

I cried when I saw Him in spite of myself.

In the Book of Life which He held in His hand

Was written the name of every saved man.

He spoke not a word as He searched for my name;

When He said “It’s not here” my head hung in shame.

The people whose names had been written with love

He gathered to take to His Father above.

With those who were ready He rose without a sound

While all the rest were left standing around.

I fell to my knees, but it was too late;

I had waited too long and thus sealed my fate.

I stood and I cried as they rose out of site;

Oh, if only I had been ready tonight.

In the words of this poem the meaning is clear;

The coming of Jesus is drawing near.

There’s only one life and when comes the last call

We’ll find that the Bible was true after all!

WHAT BRAT IS THIS? (A Parent’s Christmas Lament)

To the tune of GREENSLEEVES, with apologies to William C. Dix.

1. What brat is this who makes request on Santa’s lap for Christmas?

Who, filled with greed, presumes to plead for such a lengthy wish list?

This, this can’t be my child, by advertisements slick beguiled!

I did not teach you thus; it must have been the TV!

2. Why sit you glued before the tube, while toy commercials dupe you

to want more than you ever can enjoy or even hope to?

Raise, raise toy prices high, for Christmas is the time to buy.

Haste, haste, ere it’s too late to buy what’s on the TV!

3. Where did you get this avarice for ever bigger playthings?

Perhaps you heed your parents’ deeds and harken not their sayings?

Climb in the SUV, for going to the mall are we!

Shop, shop until we drop, then home to watch more TV!

Twas the Night before Christmas
T’was the night before Christmas and all through the town

Not a sign of Baby Jesus was anywhere to be found.

The people were all busy with Christmas time chores

Like decorating, and baking, and shopping in stores.

No one sang “Away in a manger, no crib for a bed”.

Instead, they sang of Santa dressed-up in bright red.

Mama watched Martha Stewart, Papa drank beer from a tap.

As hour upon hour the presents they’d wrap When what from the T.V.

did they suddenly hear? ‘Cept an ad.. which told

of a big sale at Sears. So away to the mall they all flew like a flash…

Buying things on credit… and others with cash!

And, as they made their way home From their trip to the mall,

Did they think about Jesus? Oh, no… not at all.

Their lives were so busy with their Christmas time things

No time to remember Christ Jesus, the King.

There were presents to wrap and cookies to bake.

How could they stop and remember who died for their sake?

To pray to the Savior… they had no time to stop.

Because they needed more time to “Shop til they dropped!”

On Wal-mart! On K-mart! On Target! On Penney’s!

On Hallmark! On Zales! A quick lunch at Denny’s

From the big stores downtown to the stores at the mall

They would dash away, dash away, and visit them all!

And up on the roof, there arose such a clatter As grandpa hung icicle lights

up on his brand new step ladder. He hung lights that would flash.

He hung lights that would twirl. Yet, he never once prayed to Jesus…

Light of the World. Christ’s eyes… how they twinkle!

Christ’s Spirit… how merry! Christ’s love… how enormous!

All our burdens… He’ll carry! So instead of being busy,

overworked, and uptight Let’s put Christ back in

Christmas and enjoy some good nights!

Merry Christmas, my friends!

A CHRISTMAS STORY

‘TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS,
THEY LIVED ALL ALONE,
IN A ONE BEDROOM HOUSE MADE OF
PLASTER AND STONE.

I HAD COME DOWN THE CHIMNEY
WITH PRESENTS TO GIVE,
AND TO SEE JUST WHO
IN THIS HOME DID LIVE.

I LOOKED ALL ABOUT,
A STRANGE SIGHT I DID SEE,
NO TINSEL, NO PRESENTS,
NOT EVEN A TREE.

NO STOCKING BY MANTLE,
JUST BOOTS FILLED WITH SAND,
ON THE WALL HUNG PICTURES
OF FAR DISTANT LANDS.

WITH MEDALS AND BADGES,
AWARDS OF ALL KINDS,
A SOBER THOUGHT
CAME THROUGH MY MIND.

FOR THIS HOUSE WAS DIFFERENT,
IT WAS DARK AND DREARY ,
I FOUND THE HOME OF A SOLDIER,
ONCE I COULD SEE CLEARLY.

THE SOLDIER LAY SLEEPING,
SILENT, ALONE,
CURLED UP ON THE FLOOR
IN THIS ONE BEDROOM HOME.

THE FACE WAS SO GENTLE,
THE ROOM IN SUCH DISORDER,
NOT HOW I PICTURED
A UNITED STATES SOLDIER.

WAS THIS THE HERO
OF WHOM I’D JUST READ?
CURLED UP ON A PONCHO,
THE FLOOR FOR A BED?

I REALIZED THE FAMILIES
THAT I SAW THIS NIGHT,
OWED THEIR LIVES TO THESE SOLDIERS
WHO WERE WILLING TO FIGHT.

SOON ROUND THE WORLD,
THE CHILDREN WOULD PLAY,
AND GROWNUPS WOULD CELEBRATE
A BRIGHT CHRISTMAS DAY.

THEY ALL ENJOYED FREEDOM
EACH MONTH OF THE YEAR,
BECAUSE OF THE SOLDIERS,
LIKE THE ONE LYING HERE.

I COULDN’T HELP WONDER
HOW MANY LAY ALONE,
ON A COLD CHRISTMAS EVE
IN A LAND FAR FROM HOME.

THE VERY THOUGHT
BROUGHT A TEAR TO MY EYE,
I DROPPED TO MY KNEES
AND STARTED TO CRY.

THE SOLDIER AWAKENED
AND I HEARD A ROUGH VOICE,
“SANTA DON’T CRY,
THIS LIFE IS MY CHOICE;

I FIGHT FOR FREEDOM,
I DON’T ASK FOR MORE,
MY LIFE IS MY GOD,
MY COUNTRY, MY CORPS.”

THE SOLDIER ROLLED OVER
AND DRIFTED TO SLEEP,
I COULDN’T CONTROL IT,
I CONTINUED TO WEEP.

I KEPT WATCH FOR HOURS,
SO SILENT AND STILL
AND WE BOTH SHIVERED
FROM THE COLD NIGHT’S CHILL.

I DIDN’T WANT TO LEAVE ON THAT COLD, DARK, NIGHT,
THIS GUARDIAN OF HONOR
SO WILLING TO FIGHT.

THEN THE SOLDIER ROLLED OVER,
WITH A VOICE SOFT AND PURE,
WHISPERED, “CARRY ON SANTA,
IT’S CHRISTMAS DAY, ALL IS SECURE.”

ONE LOOK AT MY WATCH,
AND I KNEW HE WAS RIGHT.
“MERRY CHRISTMAS MY FRIEND,
AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT,”

This poem was written by a Marine stationed in Okinawa Japan.

Humor: Songs

For us over 40 (even those almost there) and you others….
Check out this newest version of “Jesus Loves Me”:

JESUS LOVES ME!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jesus loves me, this I know,
Though my hair is white as snow.
Though my sight is growing dim,
Still He bids me trust in Him.

(CHORUS)
YES, JESUS LOVES ME… YES, JESUS LOVES ME…
YES, JESUS LOVES ME THE BIBLE TELLS ME SO.

Though my steps are oh, so slow,
With my hand in His I’ll go.
On through life, let come what may,
He’ll be there to lead the way.

(CHORUS)

Though I am no longer young,
I have much which He’s begun.
Let me serve Christ with a smile,
Go with others the extra mile.

(CHORUS)

When the nights are dark and long,
In my heart He puts a song.
Telling me in words so clear,
“Have no fear, for I am near.”

(CHORUS)

When my work on earth is done,
And life’s victories have been won.
He will take me home above,
Then I’ll understand His love

(CHORUS)

I love Jesus, does he know?
Have I ever told Him so?
Jesus loves to hear me say,
That I love Him every day.

(CHORUS)

Humor–The Golden Years

GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER
1. Sag, you’re It.

2. Hide and go pee.

3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.

4. Kick the bucket

5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.

6. Musical recliners.

7. Simon says something incoherent.

8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy

SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE :
1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.

2. You have to write post-it notes with your kids’ names on them.

3. You change your underwear after a sneeze.

OLD IS WHEN:
1. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

2. You don’t care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don’t have to go along.

3. Getting a little action means I don’t need fiber today.

4. Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.

5. An all-nighter means not getting up to pee!

Thoughts for the weekend:

Wouldn’t it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press ‘Ctr Alt Delete’ and start all over?

If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

Ponderisms
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

Garden Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
__________________________________________________________________________

Gentle Thoughts for Today–
1. Birds of a feather flock together and drop it on your car.
2. When I’m feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor’s dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
3. A penny saved is a government oversight.
4. The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
5. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.
6. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
7. He who hesitates is probably right.
8. Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are ‘ XL.’
9. If you think there is good in everybody, you haven’t met everybody.
10. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
11. The sole purpose of a child’s middle name is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble.
12. There’s always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don’t hurt
13. Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words ‘The’ and ‘IRS’ together it spells ‘Theirs.’
14. Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
15. The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
16. Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know ‘why’ I look this way.  I’ve traveled a long way and some of the roads weren’t paved.
17. When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.
18. You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
19. One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.
20. Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
21. First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper.  It’s worse when you forget to pull it down.
22. Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft – Today, it’s called golf.
23. Lord, Keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth…..AMEN

PENNSYLVANIA HUMOR
Jeff Foxworthy’s commentary on Pennsylvania :

If you consider it a sport to sit in a tree stand all day long with a bow or a gun just to put food in your freezer, you might live in Pennsylvania
If you’re proud that your region makes the national news 96 nights each year because Bradford is the coldest spot in the nation, you might live in Pennsylvania

If your local Dairy Queen is closed from November through March, you might live in Pennsylvania .

If you instinctively walk like a penguin for five months out of the year, you might live in Pennsylvania .

If someone in a store offers you assistance, and they don’t work there, you might live in Pennsylvania cause you’re all so damn friendly.

If your dad’s suntan stops at a line curving around the middle of his forehead, cause he wears a hardhat you might live in Pennsylvania

If you have worn shorts, sunglasses and a parka at the same time, you might live in Pennsylvania .
If your town has an equal number of bars and churches, or if you are in church and your priest or minister asks you to pray for the STEELERS, and wants to get you all home for 1 p.m. Kickoff, you might live in Pennsylvania .

If you have had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you might live in Pennsylvania

YOU KNOW YOU ARE A TRUE Pennsylvanian WHEN:
1. ‘Vacation’ means going up north past I-80 for the weekend.
2. You measure distance in hours.
3. You know several people who have hit a deer more than once.
4. You often switch from ‘Heat’ to ‘A/C’ in the same day and back again.
5. You can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard, without flinching.
6. You see people wearing camouflage at social events (including weddings).
7. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave all the doors unlocked.
8. You carry jumper cables in your car and your girlfriend knows how to use them.
9. You design your kid’s Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
10. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.
11. You know all 4 seasons: almost fall, winter, still winter and road construction.
12. You can identify a southern or eastern accent.
13. Your idea of creative landscaping is a concrete statue of a deer next to your blue spruce.
14. You were unaware that there is a legal drinking age.
15. Down South to you means MORGANTOWN W.V.
16. A critter is something you eat.
17. Your neighbor throws a pa rty to celebrate his NEW FORD F150.
18. You go out to fish fry ev ery Friday and bingo every Wednesday.
19. YOUR 4TH OF JULY PICNIC WAS MOVED INDOORS DUE TO FROST.
20. You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.
21. You find 0 degrees ‘a little chilly.’

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

1 × three =